Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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