I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize