dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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