fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
