God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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