The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
