A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
