I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
