Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
