Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
