When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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