I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
