conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize