I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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