your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
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