the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize