i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize