oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
