Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
