i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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