I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
