I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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