just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
