i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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