i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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