Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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