so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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