Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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