i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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