I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
