I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i drank out of a bidet.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
