It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
