the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
