tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
