A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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