I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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