If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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