I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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