stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
