So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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