i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
