Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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