____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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