i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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