I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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