one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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