I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
