It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
