my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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