I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
