this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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