Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
do herpes really smell.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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