They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
