garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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